Thursday, November 12, 2009

Holding on something?

My name is Dora and I'm 21 years old.

Recently I've noticed that in the months that passed, I'm desperately trying to hold on to my adolescence. and despite the fact that when i typed out that sentence, i pictured myself as i am now but in tight leather pants with a million chains attached to the belt loops and 5 different colors in my hair trying to grab onto a rope that was tied to something that i can only assume was my youth or memories and gripping on for dear life, i still cant help but get worried.
I don't know what it is that is scaring me away from growing up all of a sudden. i mean it looked like so much fun when i was younger and eagerly awaiting my chance to get to where i am now. but now that I'm here its not as wonderful as id hoped it would be. not that wonderful things still don't happen...they just don't happen as often as they used to. there isn't really a whole lot to get excited about anymore.
Its not that I'm afraid of looking older and getting grey hair (although it is OK to assume that i don't look forward to things "going south" if you know what i mean)its that I'm now afraid of taking the wrong path..or perhaps that i have already gone down the wrong path.
"Welcome to the machine" a friend so kindly put things. Ive found myself reconnecting with college friends i have very recently lost touch with. we first reminisce then talk about our present lives and how fantastic and magical they are. for the most part all of them have impressive full time jobs while here i am still chasing after mall retail positions and running off to restaurants when those don't work out to grab a hostessing position because its easy. that and i secretly feel better when finding out that i still have to take one more course in college to get my diploma because that silently means i still don't have to get a job that defines who i am and that i could potentially screw up beyond all repair. the way i see it is if i stick to something in a mall or restaurant and it doesn't work out...well i guess i didn't cause too much damage. my ego may get bruised a little but its not the end of the world.
either way i know that in the end i have to let go and move on and stop being afraid of what might happen. after all in the end we are all the same or should i say, we end up the same at the very least.

1 comment:

  1. screw it girl stay young forever!

    love your blog btw!


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