Monday, January 4, 2010

This is hard for me to write...

Have you ever at any point in your life heard a tiny voice inside your head telling you that the end is drawing nearer? And no I'm not referring to that stupid 2012 business nor am I schizophrenic. I'm talking about that feeling, knowing in your gut that very soon you are going to pass away. As morbid as it sounds, when I sit by myself and really think about it that's all I can hear. "Soon", it says. I guess that's why I try to surround myself with people and things that make me happy, to try to drown that voice out.
when I really try to picture it, I don't see much after my 20's either, even though its sometimes touch and go. I wonder sometimes about when I picture things I want to accomplish in my future and the picture looked clear as crystal one day while the next time it does not, if maybe it means Ive jumped off the path I was supposed to take. sometimes I don't see myself growing old, going to my sisters wedding or my own for that matter, seeing my own children, sometimes I feel like I'm going to be gone even before my parents.
each year I find myself with a new obsession, first it was my boyfriend who while we were taking our separate routes for a little while (he with his ex girlfriend and me trying to find myself at 19 years old)...I still woke up every day for a year knowing he was who I wanted to be with and denying it until finally one day he was in fact mine, next it turned into more material my growing collection of footwear...currently I own 22 or more pairs of heels and love and wear every single one provided weather conditions are appropriate, this year so far in 2010 Ive found myself shopping for expensive perfumes. I already purchased a 75$ bottle today even though I know that I cant really afford it. Truthfully I don't really feel all that bad, only because what I really feel is that if I don't do it now, I will never get to again.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way ever but I cant help but know it is very possible to be here one minute and gone the next. I have tried very hard to block that little voice out but it seems to get louder as each day comes. Its so hard for me to express to friends and loved ones what I'm going through which makes me hope that the one who reads this entry can open their mind and not be quick to judge or label me a crazy person. That maybe the one or two people who decide to take the time to read this will acknowledge the fact that I'm looking for someone to tell me that I'll be ok, or that theres nothing to be afraid of, or even that they feel the same way too. Because aside from this secret I've been keeping for so long, I am generally what one would call a normal person who unfortunately uses the Internet as an outlet for her fears and anxieties.
Underneath it all I still have a small sense of hope though, that I'll be in my late 50's or 60's and be able to read this again, and think that I made it a little further than what I expected and accomplished more in my lifetime than I would have ever been able to imagine or predict for myself. That i survive a little while longer to see the things I fear I'll miss now and be able to make my life a little more worth living. I really do hope for the best out of life, and if I dont get what I hope for, then I want you to know that I can't stand coffins and wish to be creamated. Thanks!

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